Fauxwhatever

I never cared much at all for Pokemon.

Ok, if you went outside and played like a normal child then I’ll have to explain what Pokemon is; Pokemon is basically a boy who lives in a land where deformed animals have to be caught in balls and then be made to fight for some amazingly shallow and not particularly obvious reason, he also has friends in this world who are equally enthusiastic about deformed mammal cockfighting. I suppose my point is that if I lived in this world I wouldn’t be at all interested in these people and their weird interest in disease ridden mutant wrestling.

Pokemon has never bothered me in the slightest, even when I was the target audience. The whole “gotta catch them all” thing always felt like a sneaky way of saying “You must buy everything Pokemon!” Which even at an early age never settled well with me. On top of that, I was never any good at playing or even pretending to care about the card game, the fascination with which basically revolved around the idea that some cards are better than others because of numbers and how shiny they are:

everyone would make up different rules everyday, something which I didn’t clock on to at all at the time, but if you’re thinking of playing Pokemon cards then you have been warned!

But why am I saying this? I mean surely I can let kids enjoy a kid’s show, I mean it’s made for them and not made for people my age right! Then why the hell is it that people only my age are obsessing over it like fangirls? Take off your children’s rucksack, put away your endless collection of Pokemon plush toys and play the videogames in the basement of your own home and not at full volume on the train.

Don’t grow up, but don’t be a kid about it.

Eye test. Do it.

Have an eye test because you’re probably blind and have no idea.

So there I was, entering this dark rapey room with a rather lovely lady; not the first moment in my life where I’ve thought about admitting I’m batman. “This will be easy” I chuckled to myself, “I’ve been reading all my life, not to flatter myself or anything, but rather well at that”. I cracked the customary “isn’t the coffee awful here, how do you cope?” Joke and sat in their dentists-teeth-pulling-style chair awaiting instructions like an excellent puppy that gets on with the curtains.

“Just relax your eyes and try to read each line of letters on the screen please.”

Fuck. 

…So I’m picking out which glasses I want to wear, choosing from the groovy grandma Morrissey ones to the incredibly pink and probably for girls glasses. When I notice a rather charming little pair out of the corner of my shit eyes, “they look great!” I said, probably over eager at this point since no pair had really jumped out at me before that since the thought “I might need glasses” and the thought “If I don’t wear these I can’t see properly” are two very very different things.

And now they’re on my face.

Get your eyes tested.

Minecraft

I’d say Minecraft is the most unproductive way of wasting time.

Minecraft manages to get away with this because it creates what is effectively an ‘easier world’ in which everything is square and ridiculous, achievements in Minecraft almost sound like real world achievements too; “well done you built a fence” or “congratulations you axed some wood” when in reality once you shutdown Minecraft for the day you’re basically where you were before you opened up the program in real talk.

Some people use Minecraft to escape from their lives in which supposedly achievement is rare, takes longer to obtain than the click of a button or never comes at all.

I saw someone today playing minecraft on their phone.

Things to remember when tackling school

School is not easy, here’s a much more realistic view of it:

1. Realise no one is good at everything

There are some people that seem to be really good at basically every subject and some people even are! But it’s really important to remember that you can’t ace everything. School isn’t just about learning, it’s also about finding out what you’re good at and what you like doing, I mean sure the teacher will push you but that’s just so you can reach your full potential in everything NOT ace everything! If trying your best gets you a C in math or a D in english then that’s fine as long as you tried hard.

2. Being cool in school really doesn’t matter: being nice does.

I remember on the last day of school when we faced the world and all talked about the next steps we were taking, never to come here again, never to sit on this wall, never see these faces and buildings behind the school walls, on that day the school ‘social structure’ collapsed and all of a sudden I found myself sitting next to incredible ‘cool’ people talking to incredible ‘uncool’ people and from that day forward it became overwhelmingly obvious that being a nice person gets you friends and a nice person is what you want to be!!! You can start early now you know, everyone accepts a nice person.

3. Actually do some work

it’s boring no one likes it but it’s what school is all about. Do some work because days before your final exams the thought “I wish I had payed attention more/worked harder in this class” will cross many of your minds many times.

4. If you don’t feel ready right now, you’re not.

I remember young couples from school wanting to take their relationship further or immature boys boasting about the sex they’ve ‘had’. If any of these people actually came face to face with the opportunity to have sex they would crumble from embarrassment and basically breakdown, but that’s ok, you’ve got plenty of time for sex; if you don’t feel ready right now, you’re not.

5. people will change just watch

it’s likely that the friends you made in your first year will be completely different by the end of school, some people will come out, some people will change their attitude or the way they act, some people will drastically change their appearance, some will even be virtually unrecognisable. This is a natural change that you can expect to happen, to you also.

6. Your parents may have forgotten what you’re going through

It’s been a long time since your parents were your age so “I have so much homework” or “this teacher sucks” doesn’t sound anything like as important to them as it does to you, sure they care about you and want you to be happy at school but if you want them to truly understand it’s likely that you’ll have to remind them of when they were teenagers because they were at one point too!

7. There’s always someone you can talk to about anything

Whether it’s a counselor, your parents/gardian, a nurse, a friend, a pet or anyone/anything else you feel comfortable talking to; if you look then you will find someone.

8. Movies are movies

Movies are peoples ideals and stories, the vast majority of them have nothing to do with life itself so don’t go expecting a wonderful school romance or anything like high school musical, because they are fantasies. School is school, sometimes wonderful things can happen there but you have to remember movies are just movies.

9. It’s ok to not know something

Put your hand up and ask if you don’t know the answer to something, that’s what teachers are for, they are there to teach you funnily enough and if they have to explain something to you countless times then they will because that’s what they love doing. If everyone already knew everything then school would be pretty pointless!

10. Making mistakes is part of growing up

I’m not just talking about mistakes in the classroom but any mistake; creating awkwardness, having a bad relationship, getting into a silly fight, acting inappropriately,  making decisions that have bad consequences are all part of growing up and don’t you dare let anyone else tell you otherwise. Put things behind you and strongly move forward now you’ve learned from a mistake you’ve made.

11. Stop looking for a soulmate and live a little

You may find the ‘love of your life’ in school but it’s very unlikely you will, mostly because they are likely to dramatically change come the end of school and also because it’s likely you both share different dreams and aspirations that will take you different places, it’s important to focus on studying and much less important to focus on finding ‘the one’ seriously it’s a waste of time. You may even think you’ve found the one but put bluntly and honestly: you probably haven’t.

Brits Abroad.

I’ve spent my first day in Malmö Sweden and all I want to do is spend the whole night trying to improve my swedish. I thought I had it kinda down, but was genuinely destroyed by the native speakers, they asked me the simplest of questions that had me thinking “come on you know this!” But nothing came out my swedish-less face, which tended to turn red with embarrassment at this point when they reverted to what I can only describe as perfect english without even a second thought. Although I’m totally sure the problem was me freezing up under self inflicted and unnecessary pressure, I’m still pretty pissed at myself about it, I mean silly me thought I’d be able to speak swedish with a native speaker as well as I do with my english dad..

 I understand that a second language doesn’t come to you immediately and the swedes are taught english from a very early age which dwarfs my few months of swedish study. But the people with me have jumped at the opportunity to speak english to absolutely anyone in any situation, I however am going to make the effort to speak the language of their turf, since I am a humble visitor upon it.

Forgotten Senses.

I remember being about 7 sitting around the record player with my dad, just being completely fascinated with the beauty of it all; the crackles and pops of silence, the way you could touch it and really experience it, you could break it, do it wrong, screw it up, you were involved, listening to music used to be a physical thing with much more responsibility given to the listener. The beautiful art work, the distilled moments of time locked in spherical motion only to be picked by a needle until the wearing of time itself outruns the grooves.

You can’t smell a download, it doesn’t look like anything, it just is. It’s 79p, it just is. Yes it’s wonderful that music from there can get to here, but that is not a love for music, that is a love for the internet. Where’s my pretty cover? My little booklet? My familiar sphere shaped solid fragile faulty love affair? It’s a goal of mine to brush my fingers against a download, I imagine it would feel like a million microscopic razors rushing all around your finger tips at immense but definitely not cheap speed.

When Apple release the television (the next step up from the ipod-ipad series), we’ll be plucking music out of floating shapeshifting rainbows in the air, you wait and see.

Random Thoughts on Just About Nothing.

How are you going to panic about death? I think I might take a holiday to Sweden for a very long time, it’s lovely there, neutralised, or to somewhere equally not here, perhaps America or one of it’s enemies will accommodate me, I mean I don’t have much to offer but there’s not another one of me that’s for sure, if there were, I would much prefer to be that me than myself, I imagine he’s much better at it; somewhere beautiful with a wonderful wife and big house, lots of money to splash on things like cars and holidays to escape from the same repetitive nothingness that plagues his life, I mean sure I have a beautiful wife and a big house with lots of money but there’s more to life isn’t there?

I find it strange how the lesser me still wants nothing more than the chance to be the successful me, even though I know the successful me will hate living even more.

Film

It’s often very tempting to think or even say aloud something along the lines of “movies suck recently” or “movies used to be so much better!” But realistically both of these statements are wrong.

The problem with looking back into the past at any art form is that you don’t see the rubbish that time has swallowed, films are either remembered for being very good, immortally bad or for another significant much more specific reason; maybe they broke boundaries or talked about something that was considered too taboo to even mention to a close friend. A lot of younger people assume that this is the first generation to see a picture in the cinema one week and then see it erased from time the next week, but of course this has been happening since cinemas were first opened.

So why are we hearing it being said now? You may ask:

It’s most likely because of the fantastic special effects we now have, even a movie with the worst imaginable dialogue and casting can be made to look amazing and trust me filmmakers know that.

With all this focus on how good things look people are no doubt wondering if we will ever see the same famous dialogues from ‘classic’ films, when special effects were basically non existant and hollywood took more risks and gambles with more money, instead of following a strict, predictable and often boring storyline like it does now.

But fear not, new films come out every week, some you will treasure forever, some will make you laugh, some will make you cry, virtually non of them will be ‘classics’.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

I’m not quite sure why, but rather copious amounts of flies have managed to get stuck in my room. It’s most likely because one of my windows is jammed a tiny bit open, which is just enough room for one of the little bastards to come in and find itself trapped in my only personal space. Anyone who has ever tried to deal with this problem has most likely opened some windows only to be astonished at the lack of exit strategy and navigation skills these tiny pricks show.

As well as annoying the cats, probably reproducing incredibly rapidly all over my things and ever helping with revealing to the world how much of a pussy I am, these animals have also forced me to change rooms because the standard amount of noise you can get away with at 2 am, is much less than the noise I will make when it comes to murdering these rats with wings.

No sleep tonight/this morning.

Troll Better.

I wouldn’t say trolling was ever an art, but it used to involve at least a certain amount of skill and was seen to be a rather respectful thing to be able to pull off. Comedians and funny people would manage to trick or convince peers into doing or saying things under a false pretence, it was an elaborate joke that would involve at least some form of trickery with often very humorous consequences.

That very quickly turned into what I would describe as base-level humour, something I would describe also as picking on the weak, telling lies to stupid people or people who couldn’t know any better and tricking them into thinking the lie you told them is the truth. Apart the from the obvious difference in method, it’s likely you’ll notice a rapid decline in the skill needed to pull off this sort of trolling. I think people saw it on television or the internet or whatever and felt they could do it themselves, most of which still haven’t realised that they can’t.

The most recent form of trolling takes the form of shouting/typing racist, sexist and other incredibly harmful things at each other. The best way to see it is as shit sarcasm, it takes absolutely no level of skill to do this ‘shit sarcasm’ and is so unfunny it’s actually boring for all parties involved. (If you want an example of this go to Omegle and look at a few questions, totally retarded).

Although you will see all types of trolling, it’s most likely that you’ll see the skill-less and pointless newest version mentioned in the last paragraph. As I’m sure you’ve picked up, trolling is evolving, and there’s nothing wrong with that happening, HOWEVER it’s important to notice that it’s getting dumber and dumber by the day. Perhaps next time you’re thinking of typing that retarded rubbish into Omegle, or asking “u mad?” Perhaps you should totally shut the fuck up, or at least put A LOT more thought into it.

…And by the way I’m sure I’m not the only one that would punch the shit out of that troll face.

That’s Offensive.

There are a lot of people in the world taking offense to things.

If you are offended by something then it is your duty to actively not take part in it, but ultimately go away.

Notice how I didn’t say it is your “rite” to not take part in it, a word for something you have the grasp of in times of trouble, which is oddly enough the only times you’ll notice rites being taken away from people, often attributed to such basic things as free speech that shouldn’t even be afforded a rite, but as something we all have at any given time.

More often than not people who don’t bow down to those that are offended, often find themselves being accused of having no heart or something equally rubbish. Perhaps it’s time to remind people how to switch off the television or do something else when they’re offended by something, because I think it’s actually incredibly selfish to blackmail and pressure people just because they’ve created or expressed something that rubs you up the wrong way.

The long and short of it is, “I’m offended” is not a reason to not show a cartoon, it is not a reason to usher an apology from a public figure, it is not a reason to have a certain words bleeped out on television, and it is not a phrase that I think has any merit whatsoever.

Creatures.

Vampires started out as hellish bat-human, raking the earth for human blood, fuelled by satan etc etc. Recently they’ve become a sort of sparkly sexfest, hanging around high schools and having relationships with food.

To understand this change, it’s worth understanding the role of a monster in a horror/thriller. Almost every monster from a film has had human-like traits, which can be anything from emotions to arms, why? Because that’s what we fear, we fear becoming something horrible again, something from the past that we’ve managed to keep under control, the suppressed beast within us. Equally we fear our future is brain dead, like the zombies cuing up for the next iphone, physically there but not mentally awake, just scouring the earth for whatever we want.

So, why do some now idolise these creatures? 

The same reason at least one of your friends has a plan for the zombie apocalypse. It sort of is happening. You wont find undead people wondering the earth in search for brains, but it’s equally likely you wont find alive people wondering the earth in search for knowledge. You’ll find people cuing everywhere, wondering around shopping centers, buying whatever they’re told to, getting angry when they’re told to, being manipulated in a way that only the brain dead can. These creatures are your friends.

When vampires were first around in film, it was noticeably close to a more violent time, you could even argue that the time itself in which they first appeared on the silver screen was also rather violent, but now, we feel that we are so far away from this inner beast that we can parody it, we can watch it hang around high school and pick up girls because. Myth became legend when displayed on the screen for the first time, but now legend has become story.

We idolise vampires because they represent a past we feel we’ve left behind, and we understand zombies because we have become them.

The Band Wagon.

The problem with having friends, is that when they want to buy things, they often want you to join in, tag along, watch them purchase and perhaps join in the purchasing.

I’d have no problem with this if I was invited out on a shopping trip as ‘the decider’, dedicated to mall Asda’s sugar filled plastic section, my roll being almost a sexual fantasy, dipping in and out of cakes and pudding trying perhaps once more “just to be sure”. But no. I am asked to attend the buying of apparel and worthless accessories, I’m asked to watch loved ones severely blur what they want and what they need more and more throughout the however long they asked to be there for, then some.

In the midst of comforting a rather portly friend with “perhaps a tad overweight, but no more than a tad”, I caught a range of t-shirts I hadn’t seen before in the corner of my eye. White t-shirts with black and grey etches of musical heros/legends/oldies on them; one with Hendrix brandished at a funny angle handling his guitar looking mean, one with the words “the beatles” stretched out in a completely unfamiliar font, and one with Kurt cobain pulling a pose I could only describe as typically sullen.

My immediate reaction was something along the lines of “finally the people that shop at this place are showing that their taste in music isn’t just about looks and money”, since this store to me didn’t scream cultured adolescent at all, but rather, florescent preteen, notably not for the tad overweight, or even the tad mature. But then I changed my mind rather swiftly when I saw a group of younger girls, exactly in my predicted age range for the shop in question’s average consumer, (which I felt more than proud of), question who the bay-attles are/were/whatever? To conclude it’s a really cool label to have on a shirt, each picking one up.

It was then saw it for what it was: exploitation, the cruel twist of capitalism and ruthless soul destroying marketing, these artists were exploited for the right reasons in their time, but the reasoning couldn’t be more wrong behind their current new found glory: Money.

I’m not saying a fan wouldn’t ever purchase a dodgy high-street shop botched version of a band shirt. I’m saying making these artists into a fashion statement and JUST a fashion statement is a crime against humanity, especially when you consider most of the artist falling victim to this ploy are fantastic.

R.I.P David Barby

I’m sure many of you in the UK will be aware of the popular auction-contest-programs “floggit” and “Antiques road trip”.

Sadly this week, we say goodbye to a highly valued member of both shows.

it has been announced that David Barby suffered a stroke last week and died in a coventry hospital on wednesday, he was 63.

I’m sure his gentle patter and charming bargaining will be missed by the regular and loyal viewers of both shows, and anyone who’s had to watch television with an older family member and see how much they adored him.